The Script
© Philip E. Neves Jan. 28, 2007
Authorized for Anim8or Movie Project
=================================================================
ABSTRACT
This yet-untitled tale tells of a young prince’s quest to rescue the mascot of a medieval cosmetic’s company.
KING ANTHRACITE, ruler and CEO of the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Company, is advised to arrange a publicity stunt to boost failing sales. He arranges for the DRAGON to kidnap his company’s mascot, the UGLY MAIDEN, who is actually his daughter, PRINCESS PUSTULA, in an ugly mask and fright wig. Then he offers a reward to whoever will rescue her. He has also bribed the media to cover the Ugly Maiden’s kidnap and rescue. The CAMERA GUY does most of the coverage.
The royal family of Glom hears about the reward from an EMISSARY. They send their son, PRINCE CHARLIE, to rescue PRINCESS PUSTULA, to his discontent. SMIDGEON, a midget who calls himself a giant, accompanies him. They are joined also by WOOF, a small talking puppy who insists that he’s a wolf.
On the way, they are chased by a band of DARK RIDERS, robbers whose leader holds a grudge against SMIDGEON. They manage to escape and make it to the DRAGON’S lair.
The DRAGON has been instructed, as part of the publicity stunt, to fight with whoever tries to rescue the UGLY MAIDEN, and then let them win. PRINCE CHARLIE and the DRAGON fight. PRINCE CHARLIE is armed with the handle of a sword which forms a blade when he presses a button. The DRAGON lets him win, and the heroes, PRINCESS PUSTULA, and the CAMERA GUY set off to the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Castle.
Once there, KING ANTHRACITE tries to renege on his promise of a reward, but he is held to it. The reward is a year’s supply of zit cream, which turns out to be one jar because it has dried solid. PRINCE CHARLIE, however is struck by a flash of inspiration. He uses a little water and his molten sword to create zit steam, which cures his zits. Then follows a confusing and insane scene with crazy robots, which the DRAGON comes and stops so that he can take a nap.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
KING ANTHRACITE: King of the Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Arranges a publicity stunt, the kidnap and rescue of his mascot, the Ugly Maiden.
CONSULTANT: Suggests the publicity stunt.
DRAGON: Hired to kidnap Princess Pustula for the publicity stunt.
SONDRA SLATE: Female newscaster.
CAMERA GUY: Accompanies either Sondra Slate (the newscaster) or Princess Pustula to tape breaking news events.
PRINCESS PUSTULA: Daughter of King Anthracite. She wears on the Ugly Maiden costume.
MISCELLANEOUS SCREAMING PEOPLE: Need no explanation.
QUEEN MAUDE: Charlie’s mother. Ruler of Glom.
KING CHUCK: Charlie’s father. Ruler of Glom.
PRINCE CHARLIE: The hero of the story who is kicked out of his castle to rescue Princess Pustula.
EMISSARY: Convinces Charlie’s parents to send him on a quest.
SMIDGEON: Charlie’s companion. He is a midget who thinks he is a giant.
WOOF: Also accompanies Charlie. A dog that thinks he’s a wolf.
HORSE: Average transportation of the Middle Ages. Says one line.
DARK RIDER LEADER: Robber. Sings rap. Dislikes Smidgeon.
DARK RIDERS: Also robbers. Also sing rap.
FIRE HYDRANT: Just your average talking fire hydrant. Gives directions. Dislikes dogs.
ROBOTS: Robotic suits of armor. Guard Ugly Maiden Cosmetics Castle. Problems with names.
DR. ZHWIGAROFF: German scientist employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics.
BUTLER: Also employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Very stiff and proper.
LACKEY-IN-BRAINEY: Also employed by Ugly Maiden Cosmetics. Quite thick.
LIST OF SCENES
SCENE 1------------ In which King Anthracite is advised and lightning destroys a lot of trees.
SCENE 2------------ In which The Ugly Maiden is kidnapped and King Anthracite advertises.
SCENE 3------------ In which Royalty are bored and Prince Charlie doesn’t want to rescue the Ugly Maiden.
SCENE 4------------ In which Prince Charlie departs his castle and hears a Nintendo tune.
SCENE 5------------ In which Smidgeon is a giant and the travelers are ambushed by a fierce Woof.
SCENE 6------------ In which Woof rides a horse and the map is found.
SCENE 7------------ In which the Dark Riders rap and Prince Charlie and Woof play with a jet engine.
SCENE 8------------ In which Prince Charlie slays a dragon and smells a rat.
SCENE 9------------ In which Prince Charlie refuses to fall in love and Woof and Smidgeon want to be on TV.
SCENE 10---------- In which Prince Charlie gets lost again and a Fire Hydrant dislikes Woof.
SCENE 11---------- In which the robots are confused and the travelers walk right in.
SCENE 12---------- In which Prince Charlie is cured and everyone is confused.
SCENE 13---------- In which words roll up the screen and robots shoot Will.
SCENE 1
DARK TOWER: Night.
A thunderstorm rages. Two silhouetted figures (KING ANTHRACITE and the CONSULTANT) are speaking inside the tower as the CAMERA smoothly flies through a window.
KING ANTHRACITE:
I've got to do something! My company is almost bankrupt! Our product just isn't selling!
CONSULTANT:
This is the Dark Ages. Hygiene isn't real big right now.
KING ANTHRACITE:
It should be! And what abut our cosmetics line!?
CONSULTANT:
Perhaps you should lower your prices.
KING ANTHRACITE:
WHAT!?
CONSULTANT:
Just a thought.
KING ANTHRACITE:
Then what should I do?
CONSULTANT:
(slowly, sinisterly) Desperate times call for desperate measures.
KING ANTHRACITE:
You mean...
CONSULTANT:
(still sinister) A publicity stunt.
KING ANTHRACITE:
How diabolically, fiendishly clever!
CONSULTANT:
Thank you.
KING ANTHRACITE:
No, thank YOU! What an idea! I'll go bribe the media!
KING ANTHRACITE starts to stand
CONSULTANT:
Ahem?
KING ANTHRACITE:
Oh... yes. Your fee.
KING ANTHRACITE tosses a bag of coins on the desk.
CONSULTANT:
Thank you. Come again, now.
Camera flies back out window as the CONSULTANT cackles hysterically.
-----------------------------
SCENE 2
FETID FOREST. Afternoon.
A nice meadow by the woods. We see KING ANTHRACITE and PRINCESS PUSTULA. sitting on horses. UGLY PRINCESS PUSTULA has her full ugly costume on. TV REPORTERS with perfect hairdos and CAMERA TECHNICIANS loiter around, drinking coffee and soda pop. KING ANTHRACITE has a walkie-talkie. He raises it to his mouth:
KING ANTHRACITE:
Ready?
DRAGON:
(through radio) Ready!
KING ANTHRACITE:
(to PRINCESS PUSTULA) Better put your mask on. (To camera people) Lights! Camera! Action!
Camera people roll eyes and start filming. PRINCESS PUSTULA starts riding. SONDRA SLATE faces the camera her CAMERA GUY is holding and fakes a smile.
SONDRA SLATE:
Hello, I’m Sondra Slate, and it's a lovely day here in Fetid Woods! We're here to get a closer look at the Ugly Maiden, celebrity figurehead of Ugly Maiden Cosmetics!
CAMERA GUY:
Although why we would want to look at her, no one knows.
KING ANTHRACITE raises radio
KING ANTHRACITE:
GO!
DRAGON:
(thru radio) Roger!
DRAGON swoops in and grabs UGLY MAIDEN. MISCELLANEOUS SCREAMING PEOPLE scream and run around.
(view from camera)
SONDRA SLATE:
(trying to look surprised) Oh no! The Ugly Maiden has been kidnapped!
KING ANTHRACITE:
(barging into view of camera) And Ugly Maiden Cosmetics is offering a collossal reward to whoever brings her back! A year's supply of zit cream! That's right! A YEAR'S SUPPLY! And UMC stocks many other things as well! Makeup! Hair gel! All for affordable low rates! Remember, if you don't want to look like the Ugly Maiden, use Ugly Maiden Cosmetics!
---------------------
SCENE 3
GLOM THRONE ROOM: Late Afternoon
KING CHUCK, QUEEN MAUDE, and PRINCE CHARLIE are sitting in their thrones looking bored. QUEEN MAUDE is playing chess with her CAT, who is not playing chess with her, but rather washing himself; KING CHUCK is dozing with a newspaper on his head; and PRINCE CHARLIE is playing a Gameboy, which keeps emitting muffled beeping sounds.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(to CAT) Horace! I've been waiting for you to make a move all morning, and you just sit there and wash your tail!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(not looking up) I don't think the cat knows how to play chess, Mother.
QUEEN MAUDE:
I should say not! Did you see that move he made yesterday! Horrendous!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh huh.
CAT:
(looks up) Mew.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(to CAT) Are you sure?
CAT:
Meow!
QUEEN MAUDE:
All right then, but I think you should know that puts your king in check.
CAT sniffs as if to say "That's all you know, human."
KING CHUCK:
(absently) I’m in what?
2 HERALDS walk in at the other side of the room. One blows a trumpet. KING CHUCK sits up.
KING CHUCK:
(with an air of relief) Finally! Something interesting!
HERALD:
Announcing... an emissary from the kingdom of (coughs) Ugly Maiden Cosmetics! Let's give him a big hand, folks!
Royalty politely applaud.
EMMISSARY walks in.
EMMISSARY:
Thank you! Thank you! Ahem. Do own a TV?
KING CHUCK:
(Slouching back in his chair) Oh drat, he's just taking a survey.
EMMISSARY:
Because if you did, you would know the news!
KING CHUCK:
News!?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(bored) Oh boy, news.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Oooh, how exciting!
EMMISSARY tries again
EMMISSARY:
The Ugly Maiden has been kidnapped!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
She had it coming.
EMMISSARY:
Eh? Ahem..Erm... And a reward has been offered!
QUEEN MAUDE:
Reward?
EMMISSARY:
A year's supply of zit cream!
QUEEN MAUDE gasps
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-oh.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Zit cream! Just the thing for you, Charlie dear!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
But Mother, I hate zit cream! It's so cold and slimy!
QUEEN MAUDE:
So is blood pudding, but you eat that!
PRINCE
CHARLIE:
I owuldn't want to smear it on my face though!
QUEEN
MAUDE:
GIrls like boys whose faces don't look like the surface of the moon.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Grrmph.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(smiling) I knew you'd see it my way. (To EMMISSARY) We'll take it!
EMMISSARY:
Ahh... it's a reward, ma'am.
QUEEN MAUDE:
(with the tone of "duhh...") I just said we'll take it!
EMMISSARY:
But you haven't done anything yet!
QUEEN MAUDE:
(shocked) He has to do something for it?
EMMISSARY:
That's the general procedure.
QUEEN MAUDE considers this as KING CHUCK asks
KING CHUCK:
What does he have to do?
EMMISSARY:
(convinced that these people are all stupid)
Rescue the Ugly Maiden, of course!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Rescue the Ugly Maiden? No way! She can stay kidnapped!
EMMISSARY:
But...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
No but's! I refuse to rescue the Ugly Maiden, and that's that!
EMMISSARY:
(whispered to king) What's wrong with him?
KING CHUCK:
He hates the theme song.
QUEEN MAUDE:
Now, Charles...
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(mad) What!
QUEEN MAUDE:
(now mad also) You're going to rescue the poor girl, that's what!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Poor girl, my eye. It's probably just some kind of publicity stunt.
EMMISSARY:
(The truth hurts) I detest that accusation!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Too bad. (Still has Gameboy, starts gesticulating with it) I'm not rescuing her, and you certainly can’t bribe me to with zit cream.
KING CHUCK:
(snatching Gameboy) No more Gameboy until you rescue her!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
What!?
KING CHUCK:
(to EMMISSARY) He's ready and willing!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(shaking fist and looking brave)Anything to get my Gameboy back!
KING CHUCK:
On to glory! On to fame!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Adventure! Chivalry! Boredom! (slumps)
KING CHUCK:
Now where is the Maiden?
EMMISSARY:
It just so happens I have a map. Here.
KING CHUCK:
I'll go and have some servants get the provisions ready! Then we can arrange the details of the journey, Charlie me boy!
exits
QUEEN MAUDE:
Ooh, he hasn't had this much fun in years. (giggles)
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(sullen) If he thinks it's so much fun, he can go.
---------------------
SCENE 4
OUTDOORS:GLOM CASTLE: Early Afternoon.
PRINCE CHARLIE and SMIDGEON are riding over the drawbridge. SMIDGEON is whistling. PRINCE CHARLIE is still sullen.
SMIDGEON:
This is going to be great!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-huh.
SMIDGEON:
I'm glad his majesty selected me to be your companion, Charlie!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Your majesty.
SMIDGEON:
Your majesty! I can't wait to see a dragon or goblin or something exciting!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Uh-huh.
SMIDGEON:
I feel like I could slay a troll with one hand behind my back! How about you?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Your majesty.
SMIDGEON:
Your majesty.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(looking angry)I feel like the sooner that we finish this quest, the sooner I get my Gameboy back; and heaven help any trolls that get in the way.
SMIDGEON:
Ahh... A noble sentiment, sir.
They ride for a while without talking. SMIDGEON starts whistling but PRINCE CHARLIE glares at him and he trails off. It's a beautiful day with birds singing and flowers blooming. PRINCE CHARLIE has been riding hunched over, but as the fresh air and scenic beauty starts to get to him he sits up straighter and takes a deep breath.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Hey. This isn't so bad.
SMIDGEON:
Hmm?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
The sky is blue... the air is fresh.... this might not be so bad after all.
SMIDGEON gives a small noncommittal grunt in case PRINCE CHARLIE is still mad about losing his Gameboy
PRINCE CHARLIE:
It's about time I got away from the ol' Gameboy and got some sun anyway. Hey?
SMIDGEON:
Hey. ...So does that mean I can keep whistling?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah, I guess.
SMIDGEON:
Great! (starts to whistle )
PRINCE CHARLIE lets him whistle a few bars, then
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Yeah, sometimes I think people stay inside and play with their little gadgets too much. We need to get out in the fresh air. Exercise. Relax. Enjoy the sounds of wildlife.
SMIDGEON nods and keeps whistling.
PRINCE CHARLIE
Uh, not that I don't like that song or anything..
SMIDGEON:
Yes?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You know any Nintendo tunes?
SMIDGEON:
Not really.
PRINCE CHARLIE looks disappointed
SMIDGEON:
But I have some on my iPod!!
Pulls out iPod. Nintendo style music up as screen fades black
---------------------
SCENE 5
DARK FOREST: Night.
The landscape around the Dark Forest is bare. The Dark forest is full of old, gnarled, leafless trees and thorny vines. A full moon only serves to accentuate the creepy atmosphere. SMIDGEON looks around and shivers. PRINCE CHARLIE decides to make conversation.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
So, Smidgeon...
SMIDGEON:
I wish you wouldn't call me that.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
(reminding) Your majesty...
SMIDGEON:
Sir. After all, I am a giant!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
You .. a giant?
SMIDGEON:
I'm a vertically challenged giant. You got a problem with that?
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Um.. no. So if I shouldn't call you Smidgeon, what should I call you?
SMIDGEON:
(thinks, then starts bouncing in his saddle) Gork, the Great and Powerful! (Almost falls off saddle) Whoops!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Gork...?
SMIDGEON:
After the sound people make when you smack them across the windpipe!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Aha... So if you're so great and powerful, why do you work in the stables?
SMIDGEON:
Oh, I didn't always work in the stables. I was going to be a professional wrestler once!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Oh?
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! But I got kicked out.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Really? Why?
SMIDGEON:
Well, the coach said I was too short. And also I couldn't grunt loud enough.
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Grunt?
SMIDGEON:
Yeah, you know! Hrggh!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
Ungghh!
SMIDGEON:
GRRGHH!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
UNKGHH!
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! Only louder!
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I suppose professional wrestlers do do a lot of that.
SMIDGEON:
Yeah! Only louder!
They are riding through the dark and scary woods now. Shot of a pair of eyes glowing in the darkness.
SMIDGEON:
So what are you going to do?
PRINCE CHARLIE: When? Now? When I grow up?
SMIDGEON:
When he grows up! You're taller than me already!
A dark shape is slinking through the underbrush, following the riders
PRINCE CHARLIE:
I thought you didn't like tal